No Is a Complete Sentence (Kind of, but One I Struggle to Say)

How Learning to Say No Made Me a Better Leader

I’ve written before about boundaries (here’s where I touched on it a bit), but I wanted to go deeper on this topic because it has been one of the biggest professional lessons I’ve had to learn.

Early in my career, I was very attached to being liked. Truth be told, I still am. I think we all are to some degree. We’re a tribal species, we made it to the top of the food chain because we can work together. That wiring makes us care about being liked. But there are levels to this, and mine was set WAY too high.

The byproduct? I said yes to just about everything.

Can you help me move a couch? Sure!
Can you help me with my listing presentation? Of course!
Can you give me your thoughts on the real estate market? No problem.

No matter the ask, big or small, I wanted to say yes and usually did.

Then I started to notice something. I’d spend hours helping someone with their listing presentation, but they wouldn’t change a thing. I’d write up a five-paragraph, detailed economic update, and the response would be a simple “Thanks!” no post, no change in their buyer/seller consultation… nothing.

This actually made me a worse leader. Why? Because I constantly overcommitted. My responsibilities exceeded my capacity. I’d work tirelessly to meet deadlines, but sometimes that meant I had to half-ass it, not because I wanted to, but because I was out of time. The pressure wasn’t from procrastination; it was from having so much on my plate that I was tackling things at the last possible moment. It eroded my work. I knew I wasn’t delivering my best. And sometimes, it led to me really letting people down, all because I wanted to be nice. To be liked. To say yes in the moment.

How I Fixed It

About 13 years ago, I started thinking about my answers differently. I also created a small hurdle for people to jump before I had to do anything.

1. Measuring the Energy Exchange

I started paying attention to two things:

• The energy it took for someone to ask me for something

• The energy it would take me to fulfill that request

Let me give you an example. It takes almost zero energy for someone to say, “Hey, can you tell me your thoughts on the market?” One second of effort on their part. But for me? That could mean 45 minutes of writing up an answer. The energy balance is completely off.

This doesn’t mean I say no every time the energy is imbalanced, but I pause before answering. Because when I say yes to something, I inherently have to say no to something else. And thinking about the energy balance helps me decide if it’s worth it.

2. The Small Hurdle

Some of you who know me in real life have probably experienced this (forgive me). But one simple phrase has saved me more energy than anything else in my career:

"I’d love to help you with that. Do me a favor, shoot me a quick email so I don’t forget, and I have a couple of questions about the project."

They usually respond, “Really? That’s amazing! Thank you!”

Sometimes, I set the bar even lower: “Email me and just put ‘listing presentation’ in the subject line so I don’t forget.” That’s it.

Guess what happens 90% of the time? They never email me.

Why? Because they didn’t need whatever they were asking for. If they did, they’d email me on the spot. Sometimes, people ask just to make conversation, it’s their way of saying, “I respect your thoughts.” It’s a compliment in the form of an ask. And that’s great. But if they can’t put in the effort to send a two-word email, then I don’t need to spend my time writing a market update for them.

The Bottom Line

I hope this doesn’t come across like I don’t want to help people (see how that need to be liked still sneaks in?). If anything, I like to help too much. And that means I need boundaries to protect myself.

So, what about you? Have you struggled with wanting to be liked too much? Or am I alone on Need to Be Liked Island?

-k

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